September 2012

No Excuses

“One of the dilemmas domestic violence agencies have been facing for awhile is the fact that there are not enough beds.”

~ Maggie Jones ~

I cannot say this with enough feeling, passion, or emphasis to fully relate the importance of it: IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TO BE USED IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!

All week, I have been feeling the need to write again, although I had previously felt I didn’t have much more I could share.  But, through a string of circumstances, it seemed this was something that should be addressed.

“Really?,” you might say.  Who doesn’t know that it is not ok for a man to hit a woman (or vice-versa)?  Well, I can tell you from experience that many in an abusive relationship excuse this behavior because they have been trained to believe that they caused it.

I’m not talking about jovial wrestling, goofing off, or accidents.  I’m talking about striking your partner out of anger or to teach a lesson.  There are so many levels of abuse…emotional and physical.  A partner can use restraining or gripping, smacking, punching, kicking, choking, pushing, or words.  Some abusers are able to physically hurt their partner without leaving a mark.  Some leave their partner battered from head to toe or break bones.  Some create insecurity through words alone.  No matter what the method, it is imperative that the abused knows that there is nothing they could have done to warrant such behavior.

A person always has the means to walk away or leave the relationship.  When they resort to violence, it is for the purpose of control and manipulation.  If you find yourself at the receiving end, you must force yourself to acknowledge that you did not cause the abuser to strike out.  And, the longer you remain in the relationship, the higher the odds that the abusive behavior will progress, sometimes to the point of death.

In my situation, I knew the behavior was wrong, but I told myself that if I changed, if I acted better, if I didn’t upset him so much, he would stop.  What I failed to realize was that it was not MY fault.  There was nothing I could do to change his behavior and over time it simply escalated.  There were times my life was threatened and I was too blind to see it.  I looked down the barrel of a gun and said, “He would never kill me.”  No sane person thinks that way.  It is the product of conditioning.

So, if you find yourself believing the lies and blaming yourself for your abuser’s actions, you must stop.  Find help, talk to someone you can trust, email me, something.  Do not allow yourself to be hurt any longer.  It is not your fault.

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