I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
Over the past few weeks, I have had several conversations about where my life is, right now, in this very moment. I have also made choices that are outside of my comfort zone; trying to step back from life as I know it and see it from an outside perspective, removing myself from situations that negatively affect me, and trying to do what is best for me even when I analyze how it could all go wrong. And by wrong, I mean not the way I want it to go.
During these conversations, I have heard myself saying over and over “This past year; I have learned to let go of so much; I have grown so much; my life has been blessed so much; life is fun!!” And, it has been. The problem is, even though I have grown and found so much peace, I have still managed to analyze everything and put my primary focus on the negatives. And with all of that, I sometimes feel very broken. Anyone looking at my life would say I have it pretty good.
My support system of family and friends is more than anyone could ask for. I mean, true friends, the kind that call you at 3 a.m. because they see you online and know you are crying, the kind that pull you out of the house when you want to hide in the dark and never again speak to anyone, the kind that remind you how to be a kid again, the kind that struggle with their own issues and still find time to support you, the kind that push you and support you to grow as an individual in every way….those kinds of friends!
And this is why I write today. Even after all the time that has passed, since my last post, I still see people from around the world logging on and reading what I had to say. I want everyone searching to see that it all gets better, if we allow it. Finding the strength to move forward is hard, but you can find the freedom you crave and the happiness you want.
This blog has been about surviving domestic violence, which was my personal struggle. But so many have personal struggles and baggage that they carry with them. These struggles affect us all differently and really build us into who we are. As of the last time I wrote, I was still a bit of a loner. Not really the getting out and meeting new people type. So, I had my work friends and a few good friends that were close to me, but were also different from me in many ways (interests, family situations, etc.). Because of this, I still was spending a bit too much time alone. Yet, if you see what I wrote, I was feeling pretty good about where I was and how far I had come emotionally. Looking back I can see I still had, and still do have, so much further to go. And, although some may question this statement later (because they did not know me then…oh, and I will 100% own my issues), there has been a lot of growth in past year.
I say these things, not because I believe what I have done in the past year is of interest to anyone reading it, but for the same reason I shared my story in the past. I firmly believe that knowing you are not alone, and learning how others have dealt with what you are going through, gives us hope that we can be who we are truly meant to be. Nothing can stop us from growing into happy individuals with a firm hold on our own life. Our own head is the only thing that holds us back. Memories will be triggered, behaviors will need to be relearned, struggles will have to be overcome, and we must firmly let go of the past so it does not follow us and haunt us. But, it can be done. And, it does take time. We cannot beat ourselves up for going through our process, we must accept who we are and consciously decide to change in ourselves what we want to be different. A support system is crucial, and living life…your life…is a must.
I stopped writing because it was a reminder to me of my hurts. It was no longer helping my healing but, instead, was becoming self-inflicted self-pity. So, I walked away from it and focused on the happy me. Am I all better? Absolutely not! But, I am so much better than I was. Each day, each month, each year is growth. What used to push me into depression and emotionally cripple me does not have the same grip it once did. I have ventured out of my comfort zone and, in the process, have met so many people with similar interests, which means I am always out living my life and enjoying all that I kept from my life earlier on. I have found a sport that I love, a way to be more fit, reduce stress, and a positive mechanism for pushing myself (that does not involve trying to fix someone or something). I have found love for myself. And through this healing process, I am relearning to support others in a healthy way, learning how to take care of my heart, and learning how to separate myself from the things that make me sad.
It is never an easy journey. Decisions and choices must be made that are hard, steps must be taken that are completely the opposite of what I believed to be best in the past, and relearning has to take place. But, you are not alone in this. When you open yourself up to others and stop hiding who you are, you learn you are not alone….and you learn that it is ok to be you, it is ok to grow, it is ok to let go…life is beautiful if you allow it to be.