Today I woke up in a bit of a panic. Yesterday I agreed to compete in the upcoming Velodrome races with a women’s team. They need an extra rider and I need to get back in shape. Facebook kindly reminded me that I used to ride and I used to race. I was making strides. But, with an injury to blame, I fell off the circuit and seriously lost my momentum. My clothes don’t fit, my legs are soft, and I lost tremendous amounts of muscle in my upper body. I keep saying that I’m going to get out there and make things happen, but I find myself spread thin and making excuses, all the while feeling bad about where I am physically.
My day job is demanding and I’ve seriously crossed the line of being over it. But I can’t just walk away as I need the income. I fight daily with the need to escape from it, but feel the overwhelming pressure of being cornered and unable to leave. I keep pushing forward, trying hard not to project my unhappiness on those around me. I have to make it work until I can make my passion my full-time job.
On the flip-side, I spend just about every second of my free time writing, editing, and working on my non-profit, the Forget Me Not Advocacy Group. This I love! The book is almost ready to go to the publisher, the Articles of Incorporation were just approved by the State, I have artists and authors lined up for an online store that will support the cause, and I’m happily reeling from the constant support I get from my family, friends, and complete strangers. It is so fulfilling to work for a cause that is such a huge part of me. It’s almost like I can’t get enough of it. It is wonderful to feel that motivation again.
But, in the wake of all the busyness – whether good or bad – I let my physical training and biking fall to the wayside. I also felt as if I was not giving the man I love the time and attention I should be. I’m totally wrapped up in building the life I want, and meeting job obligations, daily. And, with this race commitment, I’ve added additional time requirements for a training schedule that will get me ready to compete in five weeks. Honestly, I’m not even sure if that is physically possible, but I’m going to give it all I’ve got.
This morning, this is where my mind was. As I woke up and tried to prepare for a new day, so many thoughts coursed through my mind. I found myself beginning to panic as I wondered how I would find the time to do all of this. My life needs some sort of balance. Over breakfast, I dumped my out-of-control thoughts on my partner. And, as always, he calmed my fears and cheered me on within moments.
“This is good for you. As long as you are feeling inspired, you should do it,” he said so lovingly that I was immediately at ease.
He is exactly what I need in my life right now. He stands by me as I rehash my past marriage, talk about my insecurities, and share my innermost thoughts with the world. He tags along as I speak publically, smiling gently from the corner of the room, as I share my story of domestic abuse and healing. He encourages me to move forward with my dreams even if it may mean less income, more pressure, and unforeseen struggles. He is my cheerleader, motivating me to stay on course, lose the self-doubt, and help others, every step of the way.
It is so important to have these people in our lives. As a survivor, who is constantly working to become more of the person I’m supposed to be, it’s always difficult for me to focus on myself without feeling some guilt. I may never know if the issues I deal with are simply a product of my personality or if they are ingrained in me from years of brainwashing by my husband, but at the end of the day it really does not matter. They are my issues and I have to learn to move forward from them. And, in order to do that, support is necessary. It is necessary for all of us to have someone to raise us up and hold us accountable, whether it is a friend, a family member, or a partner.
If you don’t have that person, try to find them. And if you cannot find them, I’m here. Send me a message. I’m happy to cheer you on.