The other day, as I was driving through town, “You and Me” by Lighthouse came on the radio. I’ve always liked this song, but this time it created a wave of emotions that I had forgotten about. Perhaps it is because of all the recent writing, the book, or my constant rehashing of my past, but out of nowhere, I remembered things that I had long since forgotten.
I remembered that this song used to mean something to me. And, hearing it the other day reminded me of what it used to mean and created a very deep sadness in me. A sadness for the girl I used to be.
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time
‘Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing
To do, nothing to lose
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here
Although the words are very obviously speaking about a man falling in love, they spoke to my heart as a woman trapped. I vividly remember what these words meant to me when I was finally waking up and realizing how broken my marriage was.
I remember the sadness that would wash over me as I believed I was “losing so much time” and how I didn’t know where to go and how to say the things that I felt in my heart. I was torn. I felt alone and lost, and yet I looked to him for my support.
I believed that it was just him and me. It was him and me, and all of the other people in the world. And I, I was only focused on him. I didn’t believe there was anyone else that could understand my pain, or my life, as he did. He had created it and yet I clung to him because I loved him. We were broken together.
I was torn between how I felt inside and how guilty those thoughts made me feel. He was my one and only, and nothing he did to me seemed to be enough for me to see beyond him. I literally blocked out everyone else. Those outside people were a threat to my home. I could not keep my eyes off of him.
As I sit here now, free of the horrible pain I experienced trapped in that marriage, I feel so badly for my former self. She really believed these things and didn’t know what to do with those thoughts. I want to reach back in time and heal her, to pull her to safety and security. I remember being there so vividly and it stirs such sadness in me. I can’t go back and free my former self, but I can help those who are currently feeling her pain to move away from it. You are not alone. You can be free, and you have support.