In in Dec of 1992 my daddy was killed by a drunk driver. I was almost 2 yrs old.  In 1994 my mom married the man that I now simply refer to as my abuser. I am not his only victim. Probably not even the first.

I became the oldest of 4 kids. 2 sisters, 1 brother. For years he was physically and emotionally abusive. There were never any bruises or marks and if there were they must’ve been explained away. Then at 10 yrs old he came into my room one morning before school, slid into my bed, and molested me. I pretended to be asleep.  Afterwards I tried to convince myself it wasn’t real.  That it wouldn’t happen again.  But it was real and it did happen again for the next 5 yrs it kept happening.

My grades slipped.  I struggled with depression. I would throw “tantrums” at the possibility of being left with him. I was so afraid of him I would try to tell my mom indirectly what was going on but if he even thought I may be trying to tell he would lose his mind and threaten me.  At 15 I had made a decision to give my life over to God. I had resigned myself to the fact I wasn’t escaping for awhile. So church became my new safe place.  During this time my youngest sister was born. My mom became a stay at home mom.  He couldn’t touch me anymore or so I thought.

He started attending church and slowly convinced people I was a problem child trying to destroy his marriage.  In reality, he was assuring me that if I told someone I wouldn’t be believed.  So to keep his attention off the other kids I would fight with him over whatever. I figured if he was abusing me and fighting with me there wouldn’t be time for him to hurt them.

At 17 I found out just how crazy he was.  He was obsessed with me and not wanting anyone of the opposite sex so much as looking at me. I found this out when the drummer from my church was attempting to ask me out.  My abuser stormed in and announced loudly to the entire church I was not allowed to date, and wouldn’t be allowed to do so until I had graduated college, which according to him wouldn’t be until I was 30.  Then he went on to say my brother could do whatever he wanted, my then 8 yr old sister would be pregnant or in jail by 16, and the other was going to be his personal maid. What lovely things to say about your biological children.

It wasn’t long after that people started telling me I needed to quit trying to ruin my mom’s marriage and I needed to respect him and that I was the problem.  I quit going to church shortly after.  At 18 I moved out but suffered from PTSD and had my boyfriend move in because I was afraid of my abuser finding me.

After getting pregnant and having my son I moved next door to my mom and abuser.  He started breaking into my house and stalking me.  So, my now husband moved me away.  Finally, in November of 2014, I told my mom what he had done after finding out he was sending inappropriate text to a 16 yr old girl.  I had also found out he sexually abused his youngest daughter, my youngest sibling, since she was 4 yrs old. Charges were filed but he walks free today because police say there wasn’t enough evidence.

It’s been 10 yrs since the last time and I still have anxiety and nightmares. But he doesn’t scare me anymore. I’m simply scared of what he might try to do to my kids to hurt me. I’m still fighting to have him put away though.  Someday, we will see justice.  However, our legal system needs major improvement in this area.