growth · healing

Clarity

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The last few days have been rough. They have been depressing. I have been reactive and angry at all the hate in the world. Every day is a bombardment of negativity, with the news media and social media feeding into it. I allowed it to envelope me and affect me. And then, out of nowhere, it occurred to me…I have room to be moved! I have room to be angered, hurt, and aware. My life is bigger than me now. It is bigger than my pain. It is bigger than my current situation and getting through the day. It is beyond a 24-hour cycle of survival, and that is a good thing.

With that, I tried to pull myself back from the emotional reactions, and internet trolls, and focus on what is. This is what I discovered. Not that terribly long ago, I could not deal with the world. There simply was no room. Day in and day out was a matter of survival. I did not have the strength to care about, or handle, other people’s issues and hurts.

During my marriage, I was so engulfed in keeping peace and doing what was expected of me that I barely had time to inspect what was happening inside my own soul, let alone out in the world. There was no time to read up on current events or feel for others who were hurting. I was numb to the daily happenings all around me and a bit bothered if anyone expected me to care or show some love. I couldn’t deal with my own life, how could I be expected to deal with anyone else’s?

Once my marriage ended and I was more aware of what was happening outside of my world, I found myself depressed and exhausted, both physically and emotionally. There was a time I even tried to help others to take the focus off of my own problems, but I failed miserably. I was not capable of helping others, of carrying their burden, or of lifting them up. I wanted to care and to feel, but I struggled and dealt with the guilt of not caring. It was frustrating because I wanted to be a support to others, but my reaction to their needs was not what one would call caring. My attitude was disturbing even to myself. It was like I just didn’t have it in me anymore to care for others.

And then this week happened and I realized that change has been happening in me all along, yet I was totally unaware. Now, I have an awareness of my growth, feelings, and reactions. I can reach outside of myself and have the time and energy to feel passion for causes, for people, and for public issues. The week did not start off well, but it will end well. I will do my best to focus on the positives, find the silver lining, draw attention to the good in humanity, and acknowledge my own personal growth.

Keep focused on the small changes that positively affect your journey and keep moving forward. It is easy to get sucked into the negativity around us or the sadness in our own lives. But if you recognize the negativity for what it is, you can move away from it and enjoy the moments of clarity and light.

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