Sometimes I hear a song and it cuts to the center of my being. Sometimes I see a photo and feelings of hopelessness wash over me to the point of feeling suffocated. My life can be full of joy and happiness that is completely altered with the flip of a switch. It is darkness, dread, fear, loss, heaviness, and loneliness all in one. Sometimes I feel like there is a pain buried so deep in me that it will never be removed. It is a part of my being.
What is worse is that when it comes over me, I almost feel as though I missed it. It is such a familiar feeling, one that was a part of me for so long. I sometimes believe that my life now – this wonderful, carefree, life that I now live – is an illusion. It has not been here as long as the life I’m so accustomed to. Deep inside, I fear that this beautiful life, that I can now call my own, will not last. Nothing this beautiful lasts. The hurt, anger, fear, and hate is what lasts. The annihilation of my soul, the hatred for who I had become, the miserable shell of a girl is what lasts. It went on and on with no end in sight.
I watched myself, from outside my own body, fighting through each day to simply survive. Worthlessness clung to every step and I begged God to send me love and compassion. But there was silence. I lived with a man who loved only what I did for him, who only claimed love for me when all hope was lost, and who despised who I was and how I had destroyed his life. This is the life I knew.
And, against all odds, it passed and I now live the life of someone who never knew that strife. As I sit here now, the rain is falling lightly from the sky, mangos dot the yard waiting to be gathered, and three kittens watch the out the window as blue jays wiz back and forth between the raindrops. As I sit here, there is peace. I am loved. Life is beautiful. My only prayer is that I am permitted to keep this beautiful life and that it pushes out the darkness for good. That one day, I won’t be familiar with that haunting feeling. That one day I will no longer be able to feel that pain.