domestic violence · healing

I’m Teetering, but I Won’t Fall Down

Did you ever feel like you’re flying high and then tumbling down lower than low all within a few days? I call it functioning depression. I’m sure there is a clinical name, but remember that I am not a therapist nor am I working towards becoming one. I simply call it as I see it and believe that in sharing where I’m coming from, others can know they are not alone. Of course, it would be nice to enlighten those who are clueless as to how the other half live, as well, but that is for another day.

My world has been teetering on that axis of high and low all week, the slightest breeze nudging it one way or the other. Every day I wake up exhausted, struggling to even motivate myself out of bed, but I get up nonetheless. I’m not so depressed that I can’t get things done; I can function. It is just a constant sadness that interferes with my enjoyment of life. It is brought on by stress, but what I get sad about and what is on my mind is up for anyone to figure out. It changes daily and most of it is completely beyond my actual control.

I know I’m stressed about finding income. I got a bit down on Mother’s Day. You can read about that here if you are so inclined. I have more work to do, none of which I’m really good at, than I have hours to do it. And I’ve been rather spoiled the last year. I’m loving the spoiled part, where I’m doing something I love, not pulling my hair out at a job I hate, being able to sleep at night, and making my own schedule. But I fear it will end.

The irony in all of this is that I know that allowing my fear to get to me (Yes! There is a blog on that too) is really not the best choice for creating a life I want. And I’m 100% certain that allowing my depression or anxiety get in the way is not going to help my current situation.

And, yet, here I am. For the past week, I have been trudging through each day one minute at a time. My bitterness (manifested as sarcasm, nervous laughter, and a short temper) has made itself known loud and clear. I seem to be attracting negative energy by the bushel and it really is not becoming to someone who is already struggling. One minute I’m focused on the good and content in the moment, and then I slip and allow the past or future to interfere. And an onslaught of sadness rushes up to me as if to say it belongs there.

Well, it does not belong there! And I am determined to remember who is in charge of my life. It is not my past. It is not the unknown. It is not the what-ifs. It is me, right here in this very moment.

Keep on pushing forward, my friends who struggle. You are not alone.

2 thoughts on “I’m Teetering, but I Won’t Fall Down

  1. I can really relate to this post at the moment. Life is a pendulum swing. Anger, pain, irritation all bubbling away just under the surface at the moment, becoming a heavy weight pulling my down. Struggling to stop taking it all out on my husband and dogs, making newly married life a hellish existence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to hear. It really does suck. I think we have to find ways to deal – all in our own right- so we don’t take it out on those we love. I’m going to be working on some new mantras and integrating them into my day. Have to face is head on.

      Like

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