domestic violence · growth

A Portal into a World of Uncertainty

It’s an interesting state of affairs that I’m in at this moment. Frustration is running deep and bitterness is doing its best to bubble up and take over. The last few months have really done a number on my motivation and creativity. I find myself grasping at ideas that I’m sure will make everything better instead of living in the moment, where I know I will find peace. With that said, I sit here at a complete loss for words.

I can go on and on about the changes that have taken place, the circumstances that I feel have stolen my joy, the depression that lingers at the surface, and the unknowns that currently have taken over my thoughts, but what would be the purpose in that. All you need to know is that they are there. And my emotions run wild, with tears and anger at one moment and calmness and peace the next.

Interestingly enough, I am aware of where all of this craziness comes from. I’ve been here on many, many occasions. I’ve always said that I run hot and cold. There is a reason for that. Some things never change with the years. I don’t tell you this so that you will feel bad for me, or so that I garner support, but simply because I somehow feel I owe people an explanation.

A friend of mine – a young lady that I absolutely adore – said something to me that got me thinking. She told me that I am the only one she knows (her age…much younger than me…and older) that is willing to admit that I have bad days and seasons. She meant this as a compliment; something that she admires in me. And I tell people all day long that no one’s life is perfect. We all struggle with our demons from time to time. And yet, I feel guilty when I find myself in a prison of my creation. I feel that I am letting everyone around me down.

My temper flares and my obligations go unmet. I’m tired and lack the energy needed to do the things I’ve fought so hard for. And when I cannot bring myself to a happy place, I beat myself up further. I become a victim…again and again and again. Why can’t I manage this? Why don’t I have (insert) in my life? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I feel like a failure?

When I last wrote to you, I was trying to establish balance in my life. I find myself over a month later, still trying to restore the balance I had found. But my energy is low. My ability to bolster myself up and keep fighting what seems a losing battle is lacking. And now that battle is not only for me, but for others who I’ve promised to help and support.

Perhaps these endeavors were to just be for a season, or perhaps they were a seed to something I do not yet understand. Either way, I do not have those answers now and I’m unsure when, or if, I will have them. There are questions that require answering (for legal and financial reasons), and questions I want answered (for the sake of my sanity), but time continues to pass and I find myself clueless. I do not have the answers and that bothers me.

I guess sometimes, we simply have to give ourselves the space and time we need to get to the place we are supposed to be. Just know that, in all of this, you are all on my mind. Please bear with me as I meander through this uncertainty. And if weeks, or months, go by with silence at my end, please know that I will be back when I find my groove again.

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