healing

Tired and Torn

It seems to be at thing now, that I start my posts saying “it’s been awhile since I last wrote.”  Well, it has been a while.  It is also a thing that I feel most compelled to write when I feel lousy.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.  Writing helps me sort through the tirade of thoughts that leave me feeling overwhelmed and off.  

Maybe that is a bit of an understatement.  I’m feeling very overwhelmed, insanely out of sorts, overly emotional, straight up exhausted, and all in all not very creative.  The torn part?  Let’s just say that some things were said that knocked me off kilter. I was called a number of names, including arrogant and self-righteous, and I won’t lie that it made me question what I’m doing on here (even if it was not directly related).  

I started this blog as a healing tool.  I’ve continued it as a way of supporting others and educating the public.  The blog took on a life of its own as Forget Me Not Advocacy Group and that has been a roller coaster of emotion, from feeling like it’s all worth it to questioning why I do this to myself.  If you follow my blog, you know I’m not one to embellish.  I share exactly how I feel and how that impacts my life and the lives of those around me.  

Perhaps I share too much.  I cling to the positive feedback I get.  The phone calls from victims who need someone to talk to, the questions from those who need support, and the stories of those who are no longer victims of abuse.  I do my best to be honest and forthcoming, truthful about my goals and goals of Forget Me Not, and supportive of those I meet who are seeking help.  

But all of this take a toll on me.  I have another job that pays the bills and takes up 40 hours of my week and requires me to be on.  I teach English online to children.  I equate it to acting for 8 hours a night.  Smile in place and happy attitude ready to inspire.  No matter how much I enjoy it, it sucks the life out me most days.  I have a family I would like to spend time with and other things I am responsible for.  I have hobbies and a life outside of domestic violence.  

And, honestly, sometimes I simply don’t feel like writing about domestic violence and focusing on the realities of it.  It is depressing.  I get it!  I know why our society doesn’t want to talk about it.  Who wants to talk about something that triggers you, makes you feel like crap, reminds you of how many years you wasted in life, reminds you that you screwed up???  No one wants to do that.  I don’t want to do that.  I do it because I don’t want others to go down that same road.  I do it because I feel like it is what I have to offer.

And then life spirals.  Things happen, people are hurtful, life gets difficult and I find myself questioning my path.  I find myself wanting to just give up.  To crawl into a cave of my own existence where I can block out those who are hurtful, those who lack kindness and compassion, and focus on only the positive.  I find myself wanting to run away and start all over.  

Sadly, this is a recurring theme in my life.  Somehow my inner child believes that if I just give life a new start, things will get better and my demons will leave me alone.  And, every time, I am reminded that it does not work that way.  Your demons follow you wherever you go.

The irony in all of this is that I am in a much better place than I have ever been.  But that doesn’t stop things from feeling overwhelming and rough.  Then it only takes one person to say something nasty and I’m questioning how I portray myself to the world.  One conversation full of hurtful words made me not want to write.  It propelled me back to old thinking, where I question who really cares.  Does anyone care what I have to say or am I just telling myself that my words matter because I like to write?  This is where I am.  

As an added note, I’m not looking for sympathy or to be lifted up, as I know there are many who have supported me through and through.  I’m just sharing my current situation.  Perhaps with some time off to celebrate Christmas with the family and step away from the day to day, I will find the answers that currently seem to elude me and will come back with a fresh and positive attitude that will serve everyone better.  

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