healing

The Tunnel

There is always a beginning point.  That place between feeling utterly lost and taking the first steps to happiness.  A kind word, a reminder, or losing yourself in emotion that leaves you feeling cornered and defensive.  This place is a weird place to be. It is where you first start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but where you are all too aware of how long that tunnel actually is.

Sometimes I find myself in this place, wondering when I slipped out of the light and skidded into this dark hole.  As I’m trying to sort through my emotions, I find myself looking back into the darkness, my thoughts at war with themselves. Then there is that stark reminder that this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this place.  It’s a little too familiar.

“You swore you wouldn’t find yourself here…again,” an antagonizing voice whispers to me.  My rational, finally somewhat clear-headed voice pipes in. “Stop looking back at the darkness.  There is nothing there.”

I slowly turn back around and stare at the long tunnel in front of me, overwhelmed by the amount of effort and strength it will take to get back to that light.  So much has to happen before I will be able to feel the full effect of that light in my life. It will involve moving out of my comfort zone. I quickly glance back over my shoulder, but remind myself that going back is not an option…this time.  

In the past, when I couldn’t find the energy to fight my way out, allowed anger in, and brought bitterness along for the ride, I allowed the darkness to pull me in further.  It seemed easier at the time, but it was not. Then, for whatever reason, I was unable to see the truth of it.

But now I’m in a place where I can see this.  I take a step toward the light, reminding myself that it is a step in the right direction.  It may not be an easy road, but it will be worth it.

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